Life in lockdown

"When I was a boy and would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers, you will always find people who are helping." - Mr. Rogers

Most have heard about and/or experienced a fight or flight situation where in that moment your body decides on whether it would be safe to fight or even safer to flee. From a book I am reading, I have learned the phrase is missing a key word - freeze. Right before you body decides on which path to take you freeze. Whether it be for a second or hours, your body is still. This action is an inbuilt reflex dating back thousands of years, back to hunting for your own food. If we did not freeze we would not have time to think and possibly end up hurt.

Now you may be thinking: "Jamie, this is a very strange place to start" or "I am so confused" (both are valid) I needed to explain that in this current circumstance some may be feeling this these reactions now and if you feel as if you are frozen, the reason behind it is scientific. Your body is deciding what best route to take.

Upon reading about our bodies freezing before fighting or flighting - something clicked within me that made me feel a sense of self understanding. Please allow me to tell you my experience with Freeze: Fight or Flight.

At the start of this pandemic I didn’t really understand what was happening as for a long time, life in the UK wasn’t really changing. I spent the majority of January and February loving life - going out most weekends, seeing friends, going to work and gigs but when I settled down to read the news it was evident that the world was changing.

Days before Big Bozza announced lockdown and just as covid-19 started to make an appearance in the UK my world began to fall apart. I reverted back to my bad state of mind where I could not find the light within the darkness. All I could feel was pending sadness. I didn’t want to eat, leave my house or see friends. I was crying most days and my anxiety was sky high. My body has experienced a variety of things during its time being alive but it did not know how to handle this news. I was back in my depressive episode and for the first time in years, I was scared. My body was numb... I was frozen. 

Within my soul there was this eruption of doom. Questions weren’t being answered and all I could see and read around me was death. My generation and some before me haven’t experienced anything like this before and it is truly our war. Toilet paper was nowhere to be found and people were starting to fight over pasta... Nothing felt real. The only consistency was the fact my life, at that time, didn’t change. I was still going to work and that routine kept my normality. 

Then that moment came where Boris finally announced lockdown - I already knew I was a key worker, so again, nothing in my life drastically changed. The only exception being I couldn’t go to the pub. The first week of lockdown is a blur, the numbness took over my body and with autopilot, I just kept on going. 

Roughly two weeks into lock down, there was a moment one morning in work, I sat down at my desk, with a cup of tea and everything felt calm. All of a sudden my life became still - it was a very surreal experience. The eruption of doom that was once there was now gone and I didn’t feel sad anymore... I felt calm. This was a feeling I definitely did not imagine to be present and as much I was trying to overthink it and freak out about it, I couldn’t because for the first time I felt ok. 

Was this my body's way of adapting to the change of surroundings? Has my body chosen to fight? 

Is it strange that I was missing the worry I had in the beginning? I missed the doom within my soul. As life around me started to settle and the "new normal" kicked in questions popped into my mind. Was I going to go stir crazy? Would I be bored? Am I going to go into a downwards spiral? How long will this calmness last? All of these questions came into my head and without me having to answer, they soon left. Again, a feeling my anxious self was not used to. 

In a time where the world is so negative and cruel, I began feeling a kind of happiness within myself. I spent many hours wondering whether I should be feeling guilty for feeling some kind of peace during this time of panic. I was brought up in a family that teaches you to find the humour in every bad situation. Maybe my role during this pandemic is to make sure the people around me feel safe and loved? Looking back, this was where my body has chosen the best cause of action for me was to fight.

The word fight triggers a reaction in me where I imagine myself in armour, crawling through mud to kill the enemy. I have had to remind myself that "to fight" doesn't have to mean going down in the trenches. For me, my fight was making sure the people around me felt they had support if they needed.

While my body was processing this new tactic it dawned on me (while snacking on a bourbon biscuit and convincing myself that I can learn Italian) there are some changes I need to make in my life.

And then life in lockdown started to feel like some kind of rehab. My self destructive habits were very much present and I desperately needed to learn how to actually look after myself. With working from home and living in a small village, where my one piece of not-in-house exercise a day is a lap around a field, I was determined that to keep on fighting my fight I needed to make some changes. 

I am choosing myself

1. I have become friends with myself because other than my parents and dogs, there is no one else for me to hang out with. No one likes to spend time with someone they don’t like. Self love and self confidence is something I have always had a hard time with. This is a journey I will be taking for the rest of my life - I am proud with how much I’m loving myself currently. I am in a constant battle with how I view myself and to what standard I hold myself to. In a short amount of time I feel much better about myself, I can only put it down to having the time to really spend time with me. 

My body is the least interesting thing about myself

2. Unlearning my toxic relationship and building a new, better relationship with food (something I’ve struggled with, but never spoken about before) has been a challenge. I can’t skip meals and hope my surroundings fill me up because I currently have no other satisfying distractions that will keep me from hearing my stomach growl. I have learned to cook meals that suit me and my body that make me feel good. I am starting to understand that there is no such thing as “good” or “bad” food and eating isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. This is something I have promised myself I will continue to work on and I will not let my appearance define me. 

Be stronger than your excuse

3. I hope my FBI agent in my laptop camera is having a good time watching me try and follow an online zumba class. I cannot express how much I hate the thought of going to the gym but I can express how much I enjoy learning some new dances. Finding an exercise that suits me has been key! Until the day comes when you absolutely want to do something, as much you force yourself, you won’t stick at it. This is something I have found out. I didn’t hate exercise, I just hated how everyone else was working out. I shouldn’t have to force my body to move, it should want to. I am having fun and laughing to/with myself along the way. 

That is what my fight response looks like. My body has decided that this is the time to fight itself and its negative thoughts.

I would like to take this time to acknowledge that not all fights are looking like mine. Some fights are very literal in the sense your body is fighting for your life. Some fights are forcing yourself to continue working even when your body and mind are exhausted. Some fights are keeping strong even when you are isolated from friends and family.

Thank you to all the key workers keeping this country afloat. Thank you to health care workers, retail workers, factory workers, delivery drivers, utility companies and the emergency services - the list is too long. This may feel never ending and you may be feeling the eruption of doom I felt (and may feel again), please know the world is hugging you and help is on hand if you need it. 

My thoughts go out to the people around the world, fighting for their lives and/or fighting to save lives. I hold you all in my heart dearly. 

This time in lockdown is my rehab but it doesn’t have to be yours. There is no right or wrong way to be spending this time in quarantine and it is important that you remember that. If you are feeling frozen know that it is ok. If you want to learn a new skill or take up a new hobby I wish you the best of luck but please try and fight the pressure that you may be putting on yourself to be “productive”. If all you can achieve that day is brushing your teeth, that is absolutely ok! Someone’s success in a new skill does not mean you are “failing”. You are right where you need to be. If you feel as if your response is to flee - that is ok. You are doing what is best for you and your family.

I am privileged in this lockdown that I live in a house where I am loved. I am lucky that I am surrounded by friends who I love dearly and we are still able to create memories digitally. I feel grateful my mind is being kind to me and I work for a company that is so supportive. We are all in the storm but we are not all on the same boat.

Remember: your body is keeping you going during a global pandemic - eat that cookie, tell the people closest to your heart that you love them and are looking forward to the day you can hug them, binge watch the show you have been meaning to, read that book, buy that dress and clap for yourself.

"You don't always need a plan, sometimes you just need to breathe"

Ciao, Jamie x