2018

Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve and I can’t quite put my finger on at what point the year went from 0 to 100. Was it the summer of dreams, where the entire country loved Harry Kane and poured a pint of beer over their cereal? Or was it Halloween where everyone suddenly was wearing mustard coloured anything and taking aesthetically pleasing pictures of trees? Let’s face it; it wasn’t the beginning of the year when it all sped up because January lasted 5 years by itself.

Somewhere between one heartbreak and a bad back I realised that this year hasn’t really been so bad for me at all. It may be argued that because I’ve had small breakdowns over the course of 12 months and at one point I didn’t think seeing light was possible. For a period of time I couldn’t smell or taste anything and the pair of shoes I wanted to buy weren’t in stock. That I missed my family while I was working away. I stubbed my toe multiple times. Got blackout drunk to the point I don’t remember anything (underlying issues there that clearly need to be addressed. Don’t panic, I’m on the case!) And felt insanely stupid. Fell over and probably made my dodgy knee worse. Was hungover to the point I thought I was dying. Didn’t lose the 5 stone I so needed to so I could feel beautiful. Cut my hair and regretted it. Said stupid things out of anger and argued to the point I wanted to punch a wall. Cried because I was stressed. Didn’t go to the dentist (good job I got a new toothbrush for Christmas, thanks mum!). Cried because I felt alone. Spent months wishing I were someone else and hating myself because I am not. Cried... Again. Cried, some more. I didn’t get round to seeing all the films I wanted to and let my anxiety take control of my actions, that my year has been pretty shitty. That 2019 will be my year! I will be better! I will do better! I will get b e t t e r...

Better is a word people use when they are in competition with something/someone. “She has lovely hair, I have to do a better job of keeping mine silky and smooth”. “He has a new phone, I need to do better so I can have a new phone”. “They are happy together, I need to work harder so my relationship can be better than theirs”. My 2018 has had some low points. Some bitter points. Some “probably could’ve done better there” points. I have been focusing on comparing my negatives to other people’s positives and by doing so; I am going to think I need to do better. Of course I am going to think that because I am stressed out over work and someone else is thriving that I am worthless. I need to stop comparing my negatives to other people’s positives.

So here are my positives... I have had three holidays this year. I have visits 3 different cities that I have never been to before. The first one was Lisbon, Portugal. I spent 5 days surrounded by Eurovision with one of my best friends. We laughed, we sung, we met people who we still talk about to this day. We drank cheap beer in the sun and walked around a historic castle, learning about what came before us. That was my favourite holiday I had in a long while. The same friend and I then went to Dublin, Ireland - soon after landing became my favourite city. It was the end of November and my golly gosh I was so cold. Nevertheless, we continued to drink (I was on about 7 pints of Guinness a day, I don’t have a problem! I know it’s wrong! I just needed warmth! My god did it taste good though), laugh and meet people we will probably never see again. Cried happy tears as we watched Ru Paul and ate takeaway Mexican food and over looked the city from the top of the Guinness factory, overwhelmed at how far we could see. The third city I visited was Amsterdam, the Netherlands. This time there were more of us, the fabulous four. What happens in the dam stays in the dam. Think 90s cruise ship and that was our hotel (botel). Don’t think I’ve laughed that long in a while (since about two weeks before when I was in Dublin). That was a great adventure. I did fall over, and nearly get hit by 2 cars but I’m here and that’s all that matters. Professionally, I got the chance of a new role that I have had so much fun in. The stress and the tears have been worth it. To see change and to work on projects that have helped that change is not only inspiring but also uplifting. To be surrounded by people who are passionate and excited about the future is truly wonderful. I am very grateful of this opportunity. I have made new friends, drank in pubs I’ve never been to before, found films that I didn’t think I would love and I have opened my heart to new possibilities.

As I have pointed out there have been some god awful low points this year but my God, have I been at the top of the world this year too. My positives compared to other people’s positives seem pretty great but comparing is something I’m leaving in this year.

My journey, my story, my life is one that cannot be compared as 7 billion people cannot share the same adventure. Individuality is something to be admired and that is what I will strive to have in 2019. I will never be a 5’10 victoria secret model with long legs because I am a 5’2 victoria sponge cake with lil legs that do not reach very high and that is ok! My eyes will continue to sparkle when I am happy and my laugh will continue to cackle when I find something funny.

I have loved 2018 and the mess, the chaos that it was and I am looking forward to 2019 and the unknown that comes with it.

Thank you for reading and I wish you all a Happy New Year.

Jamie x