EATING DISORDER AWARENESS WEEK 2021

TRIGGER WARNING: TOPICS OF CALORIE COUNTING, ANOREXIA, BULIMIA, WEIGHT, LOST WEIGHT, BODY CHECKING AND EXTREME DIETING. 

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THESE TRIGGER YOU. 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT.

"And I said to my body, softly 'I want to be your friend'. It took a long breath and replied: 'I have been waiting my whole life for this.'" - Unknown. 

I have been toying back and forth with posting this because the topic is something I have never really addressed. I came to the conclusion that it would be very hypocritical of me if I didn't speak about what most scares me. If this resinates and helps just one person then it will all be worth it.

I invite you to read about my journey with my battle with myself. 

Mary-Kate Olsen was first diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa around 2008 and this was the first time I had heard the words eating disorder. I was a massive Mary-Kate (MK) and Ashley fan growing up and these were two people I looked up to and idolised. I have never been the 'ideal' body type. I didn't understand what anorexia was at the time - I just knew that MK was thin and I wanted to look like her, because she was pretty and was in all my favourite films. This is probably my first memory becoming obsessed with eating disorders, not knowing it at the time but looking back on it - this exposure was dangerous. I remember jumping on a trampoline fantasising about being diagnosed with anorexia. 

The next memory I have of eating disorders was in a PSHE lesson in year 8 or 9 - again, surrounding anorexia. I remember being sat in the lesson being allowed to google the long term affects on anorexia (I felt smart because I knew everything about it). I remember my teacher talking about how its mainly women who get diagnosed and one side effect was a girl or a woman may lose her period (this has been engraved in the memory because I remember people laughing at the word period...) and her hair may fall out. I remember the lesson being around how people get diagnosed with anorexia because they are thin and stop eating. I became jealous. 

Around this time, I was 13/14 years old, I went on my first diet. I wasn't as thin as my friends at the time and I had constantly been called "fat and ugly" from about age 6 so I thought enough is enough. I remember celebrating because I had lost 8 pounds in one week and crying the week after that I was the 'fat friend' because I hadn't lost any weight. I remember sticking my face onto bodies that were deemed 'obese' because "how dare I look like that?" I was trying to scare myself away from eating. I kept thinking to myself that I don't have a problem because I am not anorexic. I am not thin so I don't have a problem... right? 

This has been my life from aged 14 onwards, progressively getting more obsessive. Not eating. Then eating too much because of uncontrollable hunger. Crying that I have eaten. Not eating. The cycle continues. I was trying to make my teenage body look like those in the magazines. "I'm not thin so I don't have an eating disorder. I am healthy" I kept thinking to myself. I dreamt of the day that I was "thin enough". The way I looked and how I felt about myself consumes my whole being. My worth became reliant on how much I had eaten. I celebrated when I missed a meal and cried when I didn't. This was the age I learned what calories really were and I learned how to count them.

My fashion was baggy clothing. I was always buying clothes that didn't fit me because I could not stand to see my body, let alone anyone else seeing it. I am able to pin point the exact moments I became insecure about certain body parts. I hated looking in a mirror. 

Around 2010 Demi Lovato came out about her struggle with her eating disorder. Again, I loved Camp Rock and Sonny with a chance on Disney Channel so I was all over this news. I remember Demi speaking about her battle with bulimia and saying how this made her lose weight. This was a new word to me. I became obsessed. Again, this didn't resinate with me - I wasn't making myself throw up. So I was ok, no eating disorder for me, I wasn't thin so I was healthy (I said to myself as I was following a diet telling me to eat 600 calories a day... I was 14/15 years old). 

The thought of becoming thin was my goal. Yes, I had dream careers growing up - but my main one was I needed to be thin (which has never happened). I would never achieve anything unless I was thin. 

Something clicked about 2 years ago that I may have a problem when I told my dad that I ate a meal and didn't feel guilty and he replied "what do you have to be guilty of?". 

I am 24 years old at the time of writing this, almost 11 years later from starting my first diet, where am I now?

To say I have no idea what I actually look like is something I find hard to put into words. My body will always appear a lot larger than it may be from the years of buying clothes that have never fit properly it is a struggle. My appearance alters drastically throughout the day to me - rationally, I know it hasn't changed but I can't see that. I see myself as a circle. Buying clothes is a guessing game full of anxiety and panic.

I have a huge anxiety about eating somewhere where they don't show the calories. I immediately turn to the back of a packet of anything and I feel extreme guilt eating around people who are not currently eating. Whilst I am trying to unlearn my horrid relationship with food, I am still constantly fighting the battle in my head. My weight and how I look is an obsession. I am doing body checks regularly and staying away of my the foods that 'scare' me. I have high anxiety around eating a meal that is more than 600 calories. 

I know so much about food. I have an insane amount of nutritional knowledge stored in my brain. I am obsessed with food but nervous to eat it. This comes from the years of years of being told I am 'too fat to eat'. I love making sure that other's have eaten well and are looking after their bodies. I can easily count the calories of any meal I make just by looking at the weight and it makes me nervous not knowing what has gone into preparing the food. If someone dares tells me they are not eating... I will fight whatever/whoever made them feel that way. 

Diet culture is all around us. In magazines, on the TV and on social media. You have Instagram models promoting 'skinny tea' - I can't remember a time where I wasn't told I should be dieting or losing weight. In media I will never look good enough and that is a fact. 

35% of 'normal dieters' progress to pathological dieting and 20-25% of these people develop eating disorders. Eating disorders (ED) are not just 'anorexia'. Eating disorders or disordered eating doesn't just affect women. ED's, like any other mental illness, can effect people of all gender, all races and all social classes. ED's do not have a certain look - most importantly: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE 'STICK THIN' TO HAVE AN EATING DISORDER OR HAVE DISORDERED EATING. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING 'SICK ENOUGH' TO RECEIVE HELP.   

I am still so nervous about talking about this because of the fact I am 'not thin enough'.

According to the NHS description: an eating disorder is a mental health condition where you use the control of food to cope with feels and other situations. ED's are not choices or phases. They are complex and caused by a whole variety of underlying factors. ED's and disordered eating look so different for everyone. If you can get your head around that depression is different for everyone, know its the same for ED. There are around 6 diagnosis for eating disorders - they are not the same. An ED is not always about 'restricting' food intake. 

There are 70 MILLION people suffering with eating disorders worldwide and most of these people are in the BMI category 'normal or above' (the BMI scale is bullshit by the way).

Our bodies deserve need to be fed food. We need to eat and we need to eat more than 1,200 calories a day. 1,200 calories is enough food for a toddler, not an adult. I am on a journey of self love and unlearning the years of fear surrounding food. Every day I am fighting the urge to just not eat and it is so scary. I am so scared of gaining weight. I am so scared of looking the way I do. It is a constant battle that I may deal with for the rest of time. I am trying to find a decent balance of becoming fit and over exercising/under eating. 

This is the most scared I have been to share a story of mine. I will be OK. I have the best support around me possible and day by day I am getting better. I dream of the day I'm not worried about having my photo taken because the memory of the photo holds more worth than how I look. 2021 is the year I become completely free. So free even my own mind won't be able to kill me. I am learning to normalise eating and eating full, yummy meals. 

I am learning to enjoy food again without the fear. 

If I could hug teenage Jamie, I would. I am so sorry to younger me for the years of torture I have put us through. I am so sorry for surrounding our life with all the negativity.  

• There is no such thing as good and bad food 
• You cannot tell whether someone is struggling by the way they look
• Your body needs carbs to survive. It's where you get your energy from. 
• I can promise you, your worth is not based on any numbers. 
• Throw the scale away - its the best thing I have done.
• Your stomach 'growls' to remind you to feed it. It wants to eat. 
• Nothing can be changed over night and it will be a constant fight - there are always people you can talk to. 
• Unfollow any one promoting unhealthy weight loss. It is not sustainable. It is not healthy.
• By no means am I a professional. 
• ED's are complex and should not be glorified.

That is my story so far... It is a battle that I will win. 

Thank you for reading and your continued support. 

Please reach out. Please do your research and help end the stigma.

I promise to be kinder to myself.

Jamie x