My Anxiety #endthestigma

Whenever I tell people that I have anxiety, I can see the look of confusion spread across their face. They're wondering how I could possibly have anxiety. "You have no reason to be worried", "stop over reacting", "why are you anxious?" are the first things people say. Another few favourites seem to be "you don't look like you have anxiety", "yeah I get nervous sometimes" and "just don't worry". 

Then they go ahead and tell me that people have it worse. They tell me that I am lucky, that I have a roof over my head, that people love me. That I should just stop being silly. That I have no reason to be anxious. However, you see, the thing is, my brain does not care that I have a roof over my head. My brain does not care that people love me. My brain is not going to change its way of thinking because you tell me not to worry. It's not going to change its chemical balance as soon as you say 'just be positive'. My brain is the most selfish part about me. It literally thinks for itself. 

I get told constantly that I always look happy, but yet they don't see the me that can't breathe due to having a panic attack. They don't see my fists tense because I'm trying to calm myself down in public. 

My anxiety is going home early from a night out because I'm going to have a panic attack and I don't want to disturb anyone's night. It feels like someone is squeezing all the air out of my body while stabbing me in the stomach. My anxiety is writing out a script before I call anyone because I don't want to make a mistake while talking. My anxiety is a constant headache. My anxiety is the tension in my arms I feel when I am going to be late. My anxiety is the constant struggle to speak first. It makes it hard to attach myself to new people and makes it hard to deal with change. It's the thought that maybe I should just not go because I might have to speak to a stranger and they might hate me. It's the constant worry that I am an inconvenience in someone's life.  It's the constant need to ask questions, I need constant clarification to make sure that I've done nothing wrong. My anxiety is purposely not sleeping before i have to get up early in case i miss my alarm and end up being late.  It's leaving the house 1 hour before I have too. It's distancing myself away from relationships because I don't want to cause anyone hassle.  It's the shaking because I have to ask for help. It's the fear of being stupid, the fear of being embarrassed. My anxiety is the worry that no one actually cares about me, that I'm too annoying to be loved. It's the constant worry that I will never be good enough. It consists of sleepless nights and self hatred. My anxiety is the pain of remembering everything I have ever said and replaying it constantly. I feel like I have a constant black cloud following me and when it rains, it pours, it floods my brain. I am constantly scared. I am constantly tired. Anxiety is not cute. Anxiety is not quirky. It should not be wished for.

However, I am not alone. In 2013, 8.2 million people in the UK were diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. May is mental health awareness month. Make yourself aware. Stop treating mental health as a joke. Stop telling people with a mental illness that they don't look sick. Stop telling people they are making it up. Stop wishing you have a mental illness. Having a mental illness does not make you special. It does not make you 'interesting'.

We need to make sure we are talking about mental health. It's ok to get help. It's ok to talk to someone. Mental illness can affect anyone, at anytime.  It does not care about wealth, race, religion or gender. If you think you may have a mental illness, seek advice. Raise your voice. Do not sit in silence. Mental health should not be silenced. Your brain is an organ and it can get sick. We need to pay attention. Get your armour and get ready for battle because the stigma will not win. #endthestigma 

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/statistics/mental-health-statistics-anxiety