2019
For anyone who doesn't know what day, time or date it is - Tomorrow is New Years Eve.
Three-hundred and sixty-five days later I am sat in the same chair writing a post about my year... You know, to help clear my head.
I ended last years post with "I am looking forward 2019 and the unknown that comes with it" and oh boy! 2019 is the year of the unknown, in the sense of I really haven't got a clue where this year has gone or really what has happened. Every season has merged into one and I am not able to place it into chronological order. As a child I remember every adult saying "time flies as you get older"... I hate that grown ups are (nearly) always right. The only thing that doesn't fly are the 91 days in January.
A lot has happened this year and due to this, I have grown (mentally not literally, I am still a hobbit). Nothing ever seems to be in the middle - it is either so high or so low. My mental health has been on a rollercoaster that doesn't seem to be stopping real soon and for some reason, my physical health has decided to climb on board this year.
If you asked me "Jamie, how are you?" between the months of June and now my answer probably would've been "I am ok... I have a headache but I am ok". My one promise going forward is that if I ever say that I have a headache but I am ok is to ignore the "I'm ok" part and tell me to look after myself.
It began like any other headache... Creeps up on you until you're waking up in the middle of the night feeling like Zeus has just struck a lightening bolt on your brain. My head was pounding to the point where I couldn't cope. I have got used to dealing with emotional pain, physical pain is still in the unknown. Over the counter medication wasn't working and the only thing that reduced my pain was sitting in a dark, quiet room with an ice flannel on my head and wearing sunglasses (sexy look, right?) but I couldn't wear my sexy ice flannel about on the streets so I just had to hope that I wasn't dying and continue with my life.
The problem with a headache is that you can't see it and you can't see the pain they can cause - So I needed to understand that if I told people I was suffering they weren't going to take it lightly (anxiety also came in at this point. It was like one big old party in my brain). I finally caved in and booked a doctors appointment (after googling and convincing myself I had a brain tumour and an anureysm).
I had blood tests, MRI's - countless conversations with the lovely doctors at my local surgery (thank you NHS) and fortunately nothing was showing. My blood is clean, my vitamin levels are as they should be, there is no tumour in my brain but I was (am) still suffering from headaches.
Now I can imagine that you are gripping on the edge of your seat like you're watching the christmas Gavin and Stacey special ready to find out about the boat trip (too soon?) waiting for the cause. Well, get ready - the cause, you wonder? Years and years of panic attacks and depression.
That's it.
From the mental strain my brain has gone through over the years it has left me with a headache... That doesn't feel like it is going away anytime soon. My body creating situations where I was forced into fight or flight and years of sadness for a headache - chemical imbalance is a bitch.
The only way that I can describe the pain is by getting you to imagine PlayDough (stay with me here).
Imagine brain shaped PlayDough - and then imagine 15-20 excitable children squishing it and throwing it and maybe possibly eating it. Imagine being constantly poked. That is the pain.
Please, please, please promise me to not follow my footsteps and keep quiet if you're struggling! Mental or physical pain people are there to listen, I am here to listen! Please speak up!
Right now? My headache and I are living quiet well together - we have gotten used to each other. Kind of like a dad who didn't want another dog.
A lot of things have happened this year - but the above is something that I will have to possibly deal with for a very long time. However, I didn't let my brain having a constant panic attack stop me.
Some yearly highlights are listed below
Three-hundred and sixty-five days later I am sat in the same chair writing a post about my year... You know, to help clear my head.
I ended last years post with "I am looking forward 2019 and the unknown that comes with it" and oh boy! 2019 is the year of the unknown, in the sense of I really haven't got a clue where this year has gone or really what has happened. Every season has merged into one and I am not able to place it into chronological order. As a child I remember every adult saying "time flies as you get older"... I hate that grown ups are (nearly) always right. The only thing that doesn't fly are the 91 days in January.
A lot has happened this year and due to this, I have grown (mentally not literally, I am still a hobbit). Nothing ever seems to be in the middle - it is either so high or so low. My mental health has been on a rollercoaster that doesn't seem to be stopping real soon and for some reason, my physical health has decided to climb on board this year.
If you asked me "Jamie, how are you?" between the months of June and now my answer probably would've been "I am ok... I have a headache but I am ok". My one promise going forward is that if I ever say that I have a headache but I am ok is to ignore the "I'm ok" part and tell me to look after myself.
It began like any other headache... Creeps up on you until you're waking up in the middle of the night feeling like Zeus has just struck a lightening bolt on your brain. My head was pounding to the point where I couldn't cope. I have got used to dealing with emotional pain, physical pain is still in the unknown. Over the counter medication wasn't working and the only thing that reduced my pain was sitting in a dark, quiet room with an ice flannel on my head and wearing sunglasses (sexy look, right?) but I couldn't wear my sexy ice flannel about on the streets so I just had to hope that I wasn't dying and continue with my life.
The problem with a headache is that you can't see it and you can't see the pain they can cause - So I needed to understand that if I told people I was suffering they weren't going to take it lightly (anxiety also came in at this point. It was like one big old party in my brain). I finally caved in and booked a doctors appointment (after googling and convincing myself I had a brain tumour and an anureysm).
I had blood tests, MRI's - countless conversations with the lovely doctors at my local surgery (thank you NHS) and fortunately nothing was showing. My blood is clean, my vitamin levels are as they should be, there is no tumour in my brain but I was (am) still suffering from headaches.
Now I can imagine that you are gripping on the edge of your seat like you're watching the christmas Gavin and Stacey special ready to find out about the boat trip (too soon?) waiting for the cause. Well, get ready - the cause, you wonder? Years and years of panic attacks and depression.
That's it.
From the mental strain my brain has gone through over the years it has left me with a headache... That doesn't feel like it is going away anytime soon. My body creating situations where I was forced into fight or flight and years of sadness for a headache - chemical imbalance is a bitch.
The only way that I can describe the pain is by getting you to imagine PlayDough (stay with me here).
Imagine brain shaped PlayDough - and then imagine 15-20 excitable children squishing it and throwing it and maybe possibly eating it. Imagine being constantly poked. That is the pain.
Please, please, please promise me to not follow my footsteps and keep quiet if you're struggling! Mental or physical pain people are there to listen, I am here to listen! Please speak up!
Right now? My headache and I are living quiet well together - we have gotten used to each other. Kind of like a dad who didn't want another dog.
A lot of things have happened this year - but the above is something that I will have to possibly deal with for a very long time. However, I didn't let my brain having a constant panic attack stop me.
Some yearly highlights are listed below
- Seeing Celine Dion perform live at Hyde Park
- Secured the job I love doing
- Partied like it was 1999 in VEGAS
- Went back to Italy and drank wine from a jug
- Cried far less times this year than last
- Made new friends
- Didn't break any bones
- Overcame my fear of looking stupid
- Hugged over 20 dogs
There are plenty more. In reflection, 2019 has been the year of building and rebuilding. It has been the year of growing and learning. I have laughed far more times than I have cried. I have felt loved and I have given love away. My heart is growing. I am learning that I am ok the way I am and I don't need to look like Blake Lively to be successful. This year has proved that I am surrounded by people who love me and people who aren't afraid to tell me to when I am wrong, surrounding yourself by 'yes men' is never a great idea. 2019 is the year of HELL YEAH! I DID THAT!
When I was sat here last year writing this post I don't believe I could've imagined this year to have gone the way it did and it is weird how not only is the year ending but also the decade! 10 years ago I was just about to embark on my mental health journey and my journey through teenage years (I am really glad I never have to be a teenager again).
I can't predict what 2020 will bring... I am hoping it will involve even more laughs, even more adventure and even more love.
This post has been written with 3 dogs on my lap and one is clawing to be cuddled so I will end with a quote I will take into the new year: "Don't let anyone tell you you are too young to accomplish something, a baby shark is still a fucking shark"
Happy New Year!!
Jamie x
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